


the water can't drown me, i'm done with my dying

by EyeScreamQueen



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Anxiety, College, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), F/F, Foster Care, High School, Human Jasper (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Online Dating, Online Relationship, Past Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Unhealthy Relationships, swimmer Lapis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25917469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyeScreamQueen/pseuds/EyeScreamQueen
Summary: Lapis figures she's way past needing anyone else - she's seen enough at seventeen to know she's better off alone. Once she's in the water, she's untouchable, every stroke getting her closer to college and whatever comes after.But there are those who seek to break her autonomy, like water bursts a dam, and soon Lapis will have to fight like never before to keep herself afloat.(Toxic Jaspis, eventual Lapidot; companion piece to 'you said you and I would read fairytales again one night' from Lapis' POV.)
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 31





	1. i've always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance

“Alright,” Hope Diamond calls from her spot near the blocks, voice seeming magnified by the misty glass of walls of the pool. “Shorter practice today - synchro have the pool from ten after eight, so let’s make it count. Everybody stretched out?”

“Yes, Coach,” rings the dutiful reply.

“Lapis, ‘everybody’ includes you.”

“Yes, Coach.”

She doesn’t really give a fuck about being called out. Coach only rides her ass poolside because she gives her so little to criticise once she’s in the water. She has to at least try to act like Lapis is no different to any other swimmer - like it isn’t her that makes them a credible threat on the roster.

“Right, let me see... two hundred meters freestyle, and I want your very best. Watch your breathing. Remember, every bad stroke is a second wasted. Everyone, take your marks.”

Lapis eyes the opposite end of the pool as she gets into position: head down, hips up, knees bent, entire body tense with anticipation. She slows her breathing, flexing the toes of her forward leg at the edge of the starting platform, evening out the pressure through each toe.

_Two hundred meters. Easy_. She grips the edge of the block, knuckles prominent through the skin, as she watches the digital clock up on the wall show the last few seconds ticking past to the top of the minute.

The quick beep that follows is drowned out as Lapis dives, arms snapping out as she throws herself forward into the air above the rippling water. She knows, as her head breaks the surface with barely a splash, that her alignment was bang on, but now - no time to think. She has a reputation to defend.

Her eyes blink open behind her goggles as she’s submerged, straightening out, already almost a quarter way through the first lap. She checks her sighting quick as she cuts through the water, a glance over her shoulder when she twists her neck for a breath letting her know she’s way ahead - _good, better keep it that way._ She’s always been the strongest starter on her team but in the last few practices Zircon has been shaving off time on their flip turns - clearly nothing to do with them having a pool at home while Lapis has to catch the bus to the rec every day.

They’re not even going in for an athletic scholarship. It’s a waste of fucking _time_. It pisses her off, and she sinks that energy into every rhythmic movement: _catch, pull; catch, pull_ ; rolling just enough with each stroke to give her the edge as she reaches; barely any drag - _now fucking keep it up,_ she tells herself.

Her feet churn the water behind her without breaking the surface, soft knees and muscle memory as she kicks from the hip, boosting her pace. She tucks her chin to her chest as she nears the wall, then accelerates sharply, curling over into a tight turn in one swift fluid motion. Her arms are already above her head as she uses all the power of her legs to push off the wall _hard_ , rocketing through the water.

_Suck on that, Zircon. Money can’t stop you breathing into the fucking wall._

She pushes her chest down as she carries on; _breathe, catch, pull, catch, pull, breathe_ , over and over. Her propulsion and recovery are timed to perfection, and she knows it - she hasn't been called out for a dead spot since she was twelve. Her shoulders are warm through the rotations and she knows she's barely making a sound as she swims, twisting into her turn as she enters the final lap. 

_Alright - let's do this._

She's already fast. But as she enters the last fifty meters, she pushes even harder, intently focused, whole body working to propel her through the water even faster, _faster, come on, come_ on - 

\- and she's at the wall, head breaking the surface, breathing hard as she snaps her head round to check the clock. 2:06:54. Not her best, she's a couple of seconds out, but respectable, and enough to give her a good lead. She gets an approving nod from Coach as she treads water while the rest of the team catch up to her over the next few seconds. 

"Alright," Coach Diamond tells them. "Not great, but not bad. Everyone out."

Lapis hops out of the pool, drops of water rolling off her swim cap. The air poolside is warm, almost humid, and the coolness of water dripping off and drying on her skin is pleasant as she lines up with the others.

"I want to see high elbows and every one of you minding your EVF," Coach tells them. "If you're catching air, that's propulsion lost, and time lost. Zircon, turns were good but that was long course, not fifteen hundred, and a two-beat kick isn't going to get you anywhere fast."

Lapis throws Zircon a smug smile as the other swimmer scowls, folding their dripping arms. Coach catches her at it, which doesn't faze her - she wasn't trying to be subtle.

"Don't get cocky, Lapis. You might be fast here, but that kind of complacency isn't going to get you far at college," she warns.

"Sorry, Coach," Lapis says, but she doesn't mean it - already, she's itching to be back in the pool. Still, Coach seems satisfied as she takes her eyes off Lapis, glancing down at her notepad.

"Alright, everyone - next up fist drills, fifty closed, fifty swim. One thousand meters. Take your marks."

* * *

When practice ends, Coach calls her over. Lapis doesn't really care if she's in trouble - there's nothing she can feasibly do to get her kicked off the team, aside from fail a drug test or shove someone in the pool.

"Something wrong, Coach?" she asks, as she makes her unhurried way over to where her coach is standing near the lifeguard's chair. Coach Diamond's blue hood hangs about her shoulders as she looks critically down at Lapis.

"Yes. I want you on time and putting your back into dryland drills next weekend," she tells her. "You get out what you put in, and I know you're talented - we all know you know it, too. But you need to put the hours into conditioning outside the pool to reach the top."

"I do," Lapis answers unabashedly. "I already have apnea training twice a week."

"Correct," Coach Diamond says, narrowing her eyes. "But nobody is good enough that they can't benefit from strength training. Your lats are good, but they can only get better, and if you want a scholarship, we need you at your very best. Do you understand me?"

"I can't catch a bus that early on a Saturday," Lapis shrugs.

"Lapis," her coach tells her, exasperated, "the odds of you making Division One are thirty-six to one as is. You cannot afford to slack off - not at school, not in the pool, and not poolside either."

"But I don't finish up here til nine on Friday. When am I supposed to study?"

"After dryland practice," Coach tells her shortly. "I don't care what you have to do, I want you there. Can your foster mother not - "

"No," Lapis interrupts. Her coach sighs.

"You're going to have to change that attitude. Give and take, Lapis. It's called swim _team_ for a reason."

"And I'm the best swimmer in it for a reason," Lapis says, rolling her eyes. 

"You are," admits the coach. "But you have to meet me halfway - I didn't draw up the program for my own benefit, you know. If you don't come to _all_ your training I'll have to seriously reconsider putting you up for the next meet."

"No way," Lapis tells her, smirking at the very thought of her coach passing up the bragging rights that go hand in hand with having her scouted - but she concedes. "But whatever. I'll be there Saturday." 

"You better be. Don't let me down," Coach warns. "Now go shower."

* * *

Lapis walks home from her bus stop slowly, in no rush to get home. When she unlocks the door, she doesn't bother to call out a greeting, but for once she finds the house blissfully quiet. They're likely all either at church, or the store, or some stupid activity or another.

She doesn't exactly hate it here - they're putting a roof over her head until she graduates and gets the hell out of this shitty town for college - but she's just kind of... over it. If it wasn't for the chance at a full ride, she wouldn't give a fuck about school either - she isn't dumb, just bored. The only subject she even _likes_ is art, and her teacher is an asshole who had the audacity to get the guidance counsellor on her back over her midterm piece being 'disturbing'.

_Fuck them_. Nevertheless, she takes advantage of the empty house to work at the kitchen table rather than her room, finishing her lit assignment, working through a tedious page of calculus, and making a start at her translations for German - they don't need turning in 'til next week, so she isn't bothered. When she finds herself doodling more than she is writing, she gives up and shoves the books in her bag.

She checks the clock - Sunday services finished at two, so she guesses she has half an hour left to play with. She stretches as she stands up, deciding to get some quality time in dicking around online before everyone comes home and she gets booted off of the family computer. Her laptop was provided by the school, part of some scheme for kids in the system - but it's ancient, prone to overheating, and she shudders to think how many kids have for sure watched porn on it. 

Her chat window is blinking as she logs on, and she can't suppress a smile at the familiar username.

_tigerstripes: hey babe_

_LittleMermaid001: hey yourself. miss me much?_

_tigerstripes: evry sec ur not on_

Lapis is seventeen. She's smart, she's the star turn of the swim team, and she's seen enough shit to know she's done with people. She doesn't _need_ anyone - her own talent and GPA will see her into college, and relying on others has never done her any favours in the past.

But she can't help but blush faintly, smile growing, as she replies to Jasper with the same barely-concealed verve she has every night for the last six months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH HEY. so I should be working on 'you said...' but I could not resist the urge to start the Jaspis/ Lapidot fic that was originally the plan before I buried myself in Pearlmethyst. welcome to hell pals.
> 
> this fic will be second fiddle to 'you said...' until I've got my momentum back up, but it's exactly what it says in the tags: online relationship Jaspis, gets about as toxic and dubious as I'm able to infer in good conscience. Each chapter will be tagged appropriately and I strongly strongly recommend proceeding with caution for anyone affected by references to manipulation, gaslighting, online grooming, dubious consent/ consent under duress, abusive relationships, and all that goes alongside. if 'you said...' is bittersweet, this is fucking castor oil and caustic chlorine. 
> 
> for all the Jasperedemption crowd: I swear that Jasper will be written with some depth. While her and Lapis' relationship is unhealthy, many of her actions are beyond reproach, and Lapis is the one who takes the lion's share of the damage, I am committed to writing Jasper's actions and the reasons behind them as credible even if they remain reprehensible. She is a product of her circumstances even if the end result is Bad Bad Not Good.


	2. wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long

She goes to dryland drills on Saturday. In a fit of malicious compliance, she makes a point of not wearing her swim team hoodie or standard-issue uniform track pants. Instead, she purposefully picks out her oldest and rattiest hoodie, frayed thumbholes slashed in each cuff; pairing it with an ancient pair of velour shorts that barely cover her ass when she drops into a squat.

Coach sighs despairingly but says nothing. Lapis quietly dares her to, crooking an eyebrow at her coach as she practically walks their warm-up laps and then works methodically through each set: burpees, plank, jump lunges, push-ups.

She can do it all, do it well, and make it look easy. Why the fuck would it matter what she wears?

Coach forces them to partner up to spot each other on the bodyweight exercises. She flat-out refuses to work with Zircon, instead acquiescing with an eye roll and a sigh of disdain when she’s matched with Paraiba. She’s tall, tan, and perky; and seemingly hasn’t got the memo after two years on the squad that Lapis isn’t here to make friends.

“I can’t believe we have to get up early on a weekend for this,” she whines in between crunches. Lapis doesn’t answer, holding the other girl’s feet, fighting the temptation to let them go suddenly and watch her struggle like a beetle on its back.

“At least I have my license now. It was such a drag having to ask my dad for a lift every week on top of carpooling to meets,” Paraiba prattles on. “I can’t believe you, like, get the bus all the way here. That’s dedication. That’s what makes you the best, I guess.”

“My times make me the best,” Lapis grunts. “Get your elbows away from your ears.”

Paraiba sighs, but does as Lapis bids her. “I don’t know why the rest of us even bother. Only chance I ever have of getting on the roster is after you go to college - and BD will still be reminding all of us that we can’t measure up to you.”

“Maybe if you swam like you talked you’d be on track for Nationals”, Lapis mutters. It’s too early for this shit. Paraiba doesn’t even seem fazed by her rudeness, and it’s starting to piss her off. Her teammate smiles blithely as she pushes her hair back from her face, rolling back down again.

“Fair. The nuns are always on at me about it - nearly had to face Sister Angeline last semester, and that goes on your permanent record.” She sits up, face flushed, as she hits the end of her set. “You don’t go to our school, do you? I know you’re a grade above me but I figured I’d have seen you in study hall - I’m at Lady of Piety.”

_Oh God, she’s one of the posh brats._

“Anyway, like I said, finally got my license, yay! - and a few of us are going to the mall after we finish up here; me, Akoya and Tanz. You wanna come with? We’re going to to hit up the drive-thru on the way.” She stretches her shoulders, straight arm crossed over bent elbow, fixing Lapis with a dazzling even-toothed smile that probably cost her parents more than Lapis earns in a year. “Already thinking about the Freezee I’m gonna get after all them crunches!”

Lapis’ lip curls with contempt as Paraiba smiles, oblivious to the depth of her disdain. _Kids._ They’re all such fucking kids, and rich kids at that.

“No,” she replies, slowly, considering her words, “no, I don’t go to your backward, twenty-thousand-a-year school for Jesus freaks whose parents bought their SAT scores. Maybe if your mommy and daddy spent that money on some plastic surgery, you’d be able to finally get laid and see if losing the V-card makes you swim any faster.”

Paraiba blinks as if concussed. It seems to take her a minute to realise Lapis is insulting her - she’s about as quick on dry land as she is in the pool, clearly.

Lapis pulls up her knees, rolling effortlessly back into a prone position, and feels a warm glow of self-satisfaction when she curls upward into a crunch and sees the other girl’s face crumpling like a wet napkin.

“I was just trying to be nice,” she falters, brown eyes huge and hurt. Despite her wounded feelings, she reaches for Lapis’ feet, and it takes all Lapis’ self-restraint not to kick out.

“Nice doesn’t win medals,” she tells her shortly, counting her crunches. “And don’t touch me. I don’t want your help, I don’t want a fucking Freezee and I don’t want to hear another word out of your dumbass mouth ‘til drills are over. Got it?”

Paraiba shrinks back, downcast expression framed by her curly hair. “Why are you always so mean?” she whines.

“I’m not mean,” Lapis snaps. “I‘m busy, and I don’t have time for any of your prep school kumbaya bullshit. You might wanna look alive, by the way - Coach is heading over.”

Paraiba squeaks in alarm, trying to arrange herself into the picture of alertness as she whips around - only to see Coach, twenty yards away, busily occupied ripping Beryl a new one for letting her hips drop out of plank. Lapis cackles as she watches her teammate’s panic lapse into bemusement, then realisation, then annoyance.

“That wasn’t funny, Lapis.”

“Look on the bright side,” she deadpans, as she sinks back to the ground, curls up, rolls back again, “you finally broke a sweat.”

* * *

She decides to walk home. It’s a good hour, but she can grab a coffee on the way and spend the rest of the journey on the phone. It’s about the only chance she gets to talk properly to Jasper without her foster mom or those creepy little kids earwigging.

Her cell starts chirping as she’s picking out a donut; with the express purpose of spiting Coach, who’d rounded up drills with the usual complex-carb, high-protein spiel reminding them that Their Bodies Are Machines And Must Be Maintained As Such. She stuffs her card into the reader while the greasy kid at the register fumbles her gloriously unhealthy jelly donut into a paper bag, phone cradled between ear and shoulder as she answers the call while entering her PIN one-handed.

“Hey, babe.”

“Hey there, beautiful.”

She isn’t. She needs to shower, she hadn’t even washed her hair after the previous night’s training so it’s dry and coarse around her shoulders, and there’s a stripe of toothpaste on her hoodie that’s definitely been there longer than just this morning. But as she jerks her head in thanks to the server and leaves the coffeehouse, she believes Jasper, just for a second.

Lapis is a lot of things to a lot of people. She’s the star swimmer. That blue-haired bitch. The ‘problem child’. Rarely does she receive a compliment outside the pool, and when she does, she never believes it: people always want something. No-one says nice shit just for the hell of it. But Jasper always says she and her are one and the same - neither of them have time for bullshit. So whenever her girlfriend compliments her, Lapis believes it.

She masks her smile with a bite of her donut as she perches on the bench outside, setting her coffee down on the chipped wood beside her.

“How was training today?” Jasper asks, familiar voice a low rumble.

“Fucking dire,” she groans. “These girls just don’t get it. I just want to swim. I don’t want go to their fucking sleepovers or the mall or what-the-fuck ever.”

“They sound like real stuck-up bitches.” Jasper’s voice is loaded with contempt, and it’s like a balm against the prickling resentment she feels every time she so much as looks at her teammates. She has to work for everything, train and fight and push, push, push with no safety net or Bank of Mommy and Daddy to help her - and they treat her as though she just got lucky. ‘Stuck-up bitches’ barely covers it.

“Right? I can’t wait to be shot of them,” she seethes, licking sugar off her lips and thumb. She’s always starving after drills, even though they’re easy. Jasper’s laugh sounds like a purr.

“I can’t wait til you’re shot of them either, babe. Then we can finally be together.”

“Mmm,” Lapis says, taking a sip of her coffee. “Hey, you didn’t say when you were next going to be coming through state.”

“Well, they put sat-nav in the trucks now. Gotta wait til it’s actually on my route or when I can plan a red-eye where I legally gotta break up the journey, you get me?”

“I get you,” sighs Lapis. “I just - hate this fucking town and everyone in it. Thank God I’ve got you.”

“I got you. And time I see you, you’ll be eighteen.” She can hear the smile in Jasper’s voice.

“Yeah,” she rolls her eyes, “still three years til I can legally buy liquor. What difference does it even make?”

“Trust me, my li’l mermaid,” Jasper chuckles, “it makes a lot of difference. And I’ll bring you an extra special present to make up for how long it’s been since I last saw you.”

Lapis wipes a smudge of jelly of her lip as it quirks upwards involuntarily. She isn’t renowned for her smile - quite the opposite - but it seems to happen easily enough whenever Jasper’s on the line. “You don’t have to. I just want to see you.”

“Hey, you’re my girl. I barely get to see you in person. You know I love our calls and IMs but when I got you close, I wanna spoil you.”

“On a trucker salary?” Lapis teases.

“Hey. I earn enough.” She hears a defensive note crackle into Jasper’s tone. “Enough to pay my way and stop my dumbass sister windin’ up on the streets.”

“Sorry, Jas,” Lapis says, quickly. She’s touched a nerve. A sick little frisson of anxiety twists her belly.

“I work fuckin’ hard, hon.”

“I know. I know you do. I’m sorry.” Apologising, much like smiling, doesn’t typically feature in her repertoire. However, Jasper is the only person on the planet she actually gives a shit about offending. “I just want you to save your money. Treat yourself, don’t waste it on me.”

"I'll do what I want." The curt reply has Lapis' brow concertinaed in concern.

"Of course," she falters, as she crumples the empty doughnut bag and tosses it in the nearby trashcan. “It's just - you pull such long hours, then you’re always in the gym or the ring when you’re off-road. I wish you’d relax sometimes.”

“Relaxin’ don’t pay the bills,” Jasper grunts. 

“I know. But I worry about you,” Lapis wheedles, worrying her lip. She hears the sigh down the line, and feels some of the sudden tension in her shoulders release.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m just a bit stressed out right now.”

“Want to talk about it?” she ventures, swallowing a mouthful of coffee to try to dissipate the hot fluttering nerves. She hates pissing Jasper off, especially over the phone. In person, on their infrequent clandestine meetings, she can read her body language, notice a storm brewing and kiss the frown off her broad cheeks. Over the phone, she has fewer cues to work with, and Jas _really_ isn’t much of a talker.

“Nah.” The reply is clipped, closed as a lockbox door. “S’all good. It ain’t you. Just sick of the trucks and sick of having to babysit my sis, and I wanna see you.”

“Soon,” Lapis promises. “We can vid call Monday night, if you want. The kids have some shitty pageant or recital or something, everyone should be out til nine.”

“Sounds great.” She’s relieved to hear that Jasper sounds calm again. “What time will you be on?”

“Whenever you want me.” She’s almost embarrassed by the eagerness with which she answers.

Jasper chuckles, low and molten. “Oh, babe. You have no idea how much I want you.”

At those honeyed words, Lapis feels her cheeks warm despite the early morning chill.

* * *

She’d never expected to find a girlfriend online.

Between school, the pool, and her shitty diner job she barely has time to eat and sleep; let alone get into any more extracurriculars. They all seemed like bullshit anyway. She’d danced as far as grade school before she’d truly gotten serious as a swimmer - and she’d been decent. But dance never made her whole body hum with adrenaline like swimming did, and perfecting a step never gave her a rush of fierce pride the same way as knocking seconds off her times. When push came to shove, she’d not been a bit bothered by sacrificing her class fees for the bus fare for her daily round trips to the rec.

So aside from throwing a bit of paint around from time to time, Lapis has no real hobbies: swimming is her entire life. Her precious remaining free time is, therefore, spent productively - trolling Internet strangers on forums for shows she’s never watched.

And, by some quirk of fate, it was on one of these boards that she’d first met Jasper.

She’d been happily wasting a weeknight riling up some basement-dwelling neckbeard with too much time on his hands, picking holes in his fan theories with barely any cognitive effort, when a message had popped into the bottom right of her screen. An IM. She’d cracked a vindictive smile as she opened it, glancing behind her to check neither her foster mom nor the twins were hovering. Her German textbook was laid out on the desk to provide the subterfuge of studying, but in reality, she didn’t even have homework.

She’d fully expected it to be whoever she’d been needling, whipped into an irate state of grammatical error over whether or not Koala Princess could be considered a Mary Sue. Instead, it was a username she didn’t recognise.

_BuffAF: ur a lil d!ck u no tht_

Oh. So they came to play. Lapis had smirked as she tapped out a reply.

_LittleMermaid001: is half your keyboard missing or...?_

_BuffAF: stfu_

_LittleMermaid001: i'll take that as a yes_

_BuffAF: ur just here 2 mess with ppl_

_LittleMermaid001: only the dummies_

_BuffAF: tf u tryn 2 say_

_LittleMermaid001: could ask you the same thing. you know spellcheck exists right?_

_BuffAF: @sshole_

She’d suppressed a giggle. It was almost too easy to goad some of these morons. She’d haunted the forums long enough that she knew which ones were lazily moderated and which ones had an automatic boot for cuss words. This would be a cinch.

_LittleMermaid001: wow. seven whole letters? big word._

_LittleMermaid001: have a gold star_

_BuffAF: u think ur clever dnt u_

_LittleMermaid001: only by comparison_

_LittleMermaid001: hey. you want to see a joke?_

_BuffAF: kk_

Lapis clicked their profile, copied the URL, and pasted it into the IM window.

She hit send, sat back with a satisfied smile, hands behind her head. The reply was predictable, and almost instantaneous.

_BuffAF: FUCK U_

_Moderator: User BuffAF was booted from the chat. Reason: foul or inflammatory language._

Lapis had closed the chat window, turned her attention back to the board. KoalaPrincess4Lyf was busily overanalysing half a series’ worth of character development to win an argument Lapis had no investment in. Her job was done, however: other users were piling in on this idiot, with the tenacity of a pack of hyenas ripping a gazelle limb from limb.

She’d done what she came here to do: stoked the fire until the flames of online vitriol begin to lick up the sides of the kindling. Her eyes brightened as she scrolled through the comments, which had quickly devolved into barely-censored mudslinging.

A moment later, an IM window had popped up again. Straightaway she'd recognised the typing, if not the username.

_tigerstripes: k u got me_

_This idiot again?_ , she’d thought. They’d even troubled themselves to make a new account.

_LittleMermaid001: back for more?_

_tigerstripes: tht was kinda funny_

_LittleMermaid001: do you honestly have nothing better to do?_

_tigerstripes: dnt u?_

Well. They aren’t wrong. Lapis frowns, considers her response.

_LittleMermaid001:_ not especially

_tigerstripes: asl?_

_LittleMermaid001: as if I’m telling you that._

_tigerstripes: y not?_

_LittleMermaid001: you could be some pervert_

_tigerstripes: kk_

Curiosity, however, had gotten the better of her. She clicked on her anonymous correspondent’s new profile - then laughed derisively when she saw it was empty.

_LittleMermaid001: you didn’t fill in your profile. defo creeper material._

_tigerstripes: 1 sec_

It was an optimistic estimate. Almost two minutes had passed, Lapis drumming her fingers on the mouse in bored impatience, before the window chimed again.

_tigerstripes: k done now_

She’d refreshed the profile, shaken her head with a raised eyebrow.

_LittleMermaid001: you do realise every creepy old man on the internet says they’re a twentysomething girl?_

_tigerstripes: huh_

_tigerstripes: i am a girl wth_

_LittleMermaid001: okay whatever. i’m not going to give you my asl_

_tigerstripes: kk_

_tigerstripes: ur a d!ck_

_LittleMermaid001: tell me something i don’t know -^_^-_

_tigerstripes: tf weeb cr@p is tht_

_LittleMermaid001: :3 :3 :3_

_tigerstripes: heh tht 1s gud_

_tigerstripes: lik a cat_

_LittleMermaid001: you shouldn’t be licking cats. you’ll get hairballs_

_tigerstripes: wtf u on_

_LittleMermaid001: like you said, i’m just here to mess with people_

_tigerstripes: fkin troll_

_LittleMermaid001: aww no, don’t say that about yourself_

_tigerstripes: i ment u_

_LittleMermaid001: i'm sure your career bugging internet strangers makes your parents super proud_

_tigerstripes: no rents. get rekt._

Lapis had swallowed. _Oh._ Well. That hit a little differently. She hesitated, fingers hovering above the keys: reflecting for an instant on every time she’d winced internally at a mom joke, cringed through every schmaltzy movie where a token plucky orphan tugged at the audience's heartstrings, bitten her tongue at an unthinking “your parents will hear about this!”. The words spill out before she can overthink or rebuke herself for being so soft.

_LittleMermaid001: sorry._

_LittleMermaid001: me neither for what it’s worth._

_tigerstripes: o kwl_

_LittleMermaid001: is it?_

_tigerstripes: nah it sux_

_LittleMermaid001: lol. feel you there._

_tigerstripes: no asl i no bt_

_tigerstripes: wats ur name?_

She’d considered. Glancing at the IM window and the now-diminutive size of the vertical scroller, she realised she’d been talking to this total stranger longer than she’d interacted with half her classmates. Sure, they couldn’t type for shit and had a hell of a temper, but... she was sort of enjoying herself, and not just because they were easy to rile.

Besides: it was an anime message board. Where was the harm?

_LittleMermaid001: lapis. you?_

_tigerstripes: jasper_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sweet merciful christ, 2020 is relentless and I'm in writer's block hell. hoping to exorcise the demons with some grim as shit Jaspis. 
> 
> in the process of sorting a tumblr so i can immerse myself further into fandom hell to get me through this absolute pisser of a year. everyone stay safe out there. comments and concrit very much welcome.
> 
> For anyone wondering, the gemstones Lapis' teammates are named for are paraiba tourmaline, akoya pearl and tanzanite. 
> 
> PS: policing people's spelling/ grammar online is a total dick move; and was a very deliberate choice on my part to illustrate the less pleasant aspects of Lapis' character, at this point in the arc. knowledge of SPAG ≠ intelligence. leave the spellchecking to the beta readers and copy editors and let's not be asshats mmmmkay?


	3. why aren't you scared of me? why do you care for me?

“How was dryland today?” Flora calls, as she walks back into the house. Lapis pauses by the doorway as she kicks off her sneakers, dignifying the question with a noncommittal jerk of the head.

“Same as usual.”

“Oh, now, don’t be that way,” her foster mom chuckles, setting down her knitting and heaving herself up out of her chair. The small eyes twinkle as she smiles. “I bet Coach was delighted to see you bright and early on a Saturday.”

This manages to wring a smirk out of Lapis, against her will. “One word for it.”

“She wouldn’t have to nag so if you just went along every week.”

“But it’s boring,” Lapis groans.

“That may be so, but you’ll be grateful for all the hours you’ve put in once you’re in college,” Flora chides, mildly. “Speaking of, there’s mail on the counter. Looked official.”

“Right. Thanks,” Lapis replies, awkwardly. “You don’t have to, like... be involved with this stuff.”

The thick grey brows, like fat furry caterpillars, lift an inch up Flora’s lined forehead. “Why on Earth wouldn’t want to I be?”

“Y’know. Not like I’m your kid.”

“Hey, now. No. You’re as good as,” Flora tells her earnestly, reaching out for her shoulder. She shrinks back, scowling.

“Whatever. I just need you to sign all the sh - sign all the stuff saying you’re not gonna be responsible for me once I’m in college, and then we’re all good.”

“Lapis,” Flora sighs, “we’ve been over this. You’ve lived here for twelve years, dear. You honestly expect me to rush you out the door and then never see you again?”

“Nobody’s gonna pay you extra for it,” she shrugs. Flora’s shoulders sag.

“That’s the furthest thing from my mind when I think about you moving on to college.”

“Well, then, you’re dumb,” Lapis replies, smiling her sweetest without a gram of sincerity. However, at the defeated look on her guardian’s face, she sighs. “I - urgh. Fine. Not dumb. Sappy.”

“Oh, you know me,” Flora answers, brightening. “I’d sooner be sappy than lose sight of all the good in the world. Did you eat?”

“I got a coffee.”

“There’s French toast by the stove. I made sure the twins left enough before they went out.”

“Thanks,” Lapis manages. She stares awkwardly around the room for a moment, eyes landing on the ball of wool set neatly down on the arm of the threadbare armchair. “What’re you making?”

“Oh, I thought I’d make a start on the twins’ sweaters,” Flora beams. “Are you sure you don’t - “

“No.”

“It’s really no - “

“Flora,” Lapis cuts her off, “I don’t wanna be mean, but if I ever say ‘yes’ to one of your weirdo sweaters, I promise, you can go right ahead and have me committed.”

Her foster mom sighs, shaking her head slowly.

“For someone who doesn’t want to be mean, Lapis, dear, you certainly do a wonderful job of it.”

Lapis feels a little bad as she slopes off to the kitchen - but nowhere near guilty enough to take back the insult. She’d sooner go to school in her swimsuit than one of those bobbly cable-knit monstrosities.

She perches on the kitchen counter and shoves a piece of French toast into her mouth one-handed, opening the crisp envelope bearing her name with the other. Her eyes roam the neatly printed lines as she chews, then swallows and yells through to the living room.

“Hey, Flora,”

“Mmm?”

“Wilmington financial aid accepted my application.”

“Does that mean - ?”

“Nah, still pending,” she calls back, grabbing another piece of French toast and meandering back to loll against the doorframe. “Won’t hear for a month yet. But if I get EA I’ll have plenty of time to get the financial aid sorted. Remember, they had that giant form with all the junk about - “ she grimaces, takes a bite, continues speaking as she chews to lessen the bitter taste in her mouth, “ _parental income_?”

“Oh, yes,” Flora hums, needles clacking. “The lady in the administrative office was _most_ apologetic when I spoke with her about the - how did I phrase it, now? - exclusionary language. And please, dear, don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Lapis smiles wryly as she swallows. For all her benevolence, Flora has been a foster carer for twenty-seven years, and has a surprising amount of mettle when it comes to picking apart bureaucracy if she catches the slightest whiff that it might disadvantage kids in the system. Lapis is grateful for that, though she won’t admit it out loud.

“Anyway,” she continues, “just wanted to let you know. I should hear back from FISA and Jersey soon.”

“I don’t see why you had to apply for colleges so far out, Lapis,” Flora sighs.

“I’m a swimmer,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes. “I want to get out of this landlocked shithole and out to the coast ASAP.”

“Lapis,” Flora admonishes. “Language. What if your sisters heard that?”

“Sorry,” she mutters, but she doesn’t mean it. She knows perfectly well her sisters know every curse in the book: if Flora had any idea what those two-faced little shits acted like when her back was turned, she certainly wouldn’t be knitting them sweaters.

_No_ , Lapis reflects, _she probably still would_. She makes a concerted effort to keep her foster mom and her knitted displays of affection a safe distance away, but after all this time, she still tries so hard. It’s exhausting. Flora tuts, but seems mollified.

“I mean it, dear. Just because you’ll have aged out of the system doesn’t mean you aren’t very welcome here during vacations.”

“Says who?”

“Says me,” comes the gentle reply. “But... I can’t force you. If moving halfway across the country is what you really want, all I can do is help you.”

All this mollycoddling and interference is making Lapis feel scrutinised and itchy. Flora acts so cut up about her leaving. Lapis supposes she should feel _something_ ; but no matter how nice, Flora is paid to give a fuck about her, and Lapis never forgets it. She is frequently surprised that the older woman hasn’t dipped out on her already - she isn’t exactly Miss Congeniality - but always reminds herself that a foster kid of hers making it to college will give Flora plenty to show off about. Everyone loves an underdog story, after all.

Still, Lapis never knows what to do or say when her guardian gets all pensive and droopy over the topic of her cutting ties. She doesn’t _do_ sentimental; at least, not with someone who’s obliged to pretend to care. The only person who’s sincerely bothered about her, with neither financial incentive nor points to be scored through her success, is Jasper - so naturally, Jasper’s the only person whose feelings mean shit to her.

“I’m... gonna go shower,” she says, awkwardly, waving a crust by way of goodbye. Flora nods slowly.

“Keep that letter safe with the rest of the college paperwork, won’t you?”

“Sure.” Lapis hesitates, feeling oddly guilty as she watches Flora turn her downcast eyes back to the neat rows of cornflower-blue yarn. She wonders if she should try to say something nice, reassure Flora that she hasn’t done anything wrong, that it isn’t her she’s trying to ditch, it’s... everything else.

But the right words don’t come - plus, emotions are messy and embarrassing. She gives her head a little shake, like her ears are waterlogged, before heading upstairs without saying anything more.

* * *

**Five months earlier**

She rereads the number again from the bit of notepaper on which she’d scribbled it down. At this point, she already has the digits memorised. The clock shows 20:03, so she’s technically late, and this wouldn’t usually register as a blip on her radar - but Lapis is unaccountably nervous. And she doesn’t like it one bit.

Her and Jasper have been IMing for three weeks, and it had been her own suggestion that they try a phonecall - partly because she had a hard time unpicking Jasper’s vowel-deficient shorthand; but partly because she was curious to put a voice to the hours of messages they’d racked up. They’d both tired of the anime forum when the mods got wise to their newly-forged double act and started locking comments, so they’d swapped emails and added one another on a separate IM client.

It’s... _weird_. Lapis isn’t used to enjoying anyone’s company, online or otherwise. But Jasper is darkly funny, takes all the snark she dishes out and pays it back double, and it’s refreshing to talk to someone older than the idiots from school or the team. Jasper had said herself she couldn’t believe Lapis was only seventeen and secretly, she’d been pleased.

She still feels jittery, and can’t put her finger on why. It doesn’t make sense. It’s a phonecall, dammit. Before she can bottle out like some wimp, she double-checks her door is closed, then types in the number in one go and hits ‘call’ before she can change her mind. She sucks in an anticipatory breath and holds it until someone picks up, right after the second ring.

“Yo.” The answering voice is rough and vaguely irritated. She swallows, mouth suddenly dry.

“Hi?”

“Oh, hey. It’s Lapis, right?”

“Yeah.” She’s suddenly conscious that she is, to all intents and purposes, on the phone with total stranger. Her voice comes out smaller than she’d like, and she forces herself to push down the nerves. “You must be Jasper.”

“The one and only.”

“Hmph,” she muses. “Pretty sure it’s not _that_ uncommon a name.”

“Maybe so,” comes the gruff reply. “But _I’m_ the only one worth talkin’ to.”

Lapis has to laugh at that. “Honestly, I still kind of figured you’d be a guy. Not many chicks out there called Jasper.”

“It’s unisex. And you’re one to talk, Lapis. That your actual name?”

“Yep,” she chips back, flopping backward onto her bed. It’s not the first, tenth, or hundredth time she’s been asked. Having not seen her bio mom since she was too small to remember, she’d never exactly had chance to ask just what the fuck she was on when she named her. She’d experimented when she was a kid, when the teasing still grated; insisting on being called by her surname, then her initials. Neither suited her, and neither stuck.

Now, though, she’s made up her mind to own it, and fuck what anyone else thinks. Better to be named after a rock than a relative; bearing the mantle of some ancestor as a constant reminder of a story that wasn’t yours. Still, she braces herself for the teasing she's certain is incoming.

“Fair. It’s weird. But kind of cool.”

“Thanks,” Lapis replies, as coolly as she can manage, though she feels strangely warm at Jasper damning her with faint praise. “D’you ask me to call you up just to criticise my name?”

“Nah,” Jasper replies, rough voice crackling down the line. “I didn’t really plan shit. Just figured it would be good to finally talk on the phone and not on that shitty IM.”

“I like your voice.” _Fuck_. That sounded so stupid. But it’s true - Jasper’s speech is gruff but low, rumbling like waves over shale. Fortunately, Jasper doesn’t laugh at her.

“Hah. You sound way more girly than I figured from being such a bitch online.”

“Well, it’s good to finally be able to understand a full sentence from you,” Lapis snipes back. “Your typing really is godawful.”

“Fuck off,” Jasper snaps, suddenly sounding defensive. “Ain’t my fault. I’m hella dyslexic.”

“Oh. Shit. Sorry.” The apology slips off her tongue without effort. She’s a bitch, for sure - so much so that it’s an art form - but there’s no humor or pride in roasting someone over things they can’t help. “I didn’t mean -“

“No. You meant it,” Jasper grunts. “Don’t bullshit me. I ain’t got time for that.”

“Okay. Fine. I meant it. But I didn’t know.” Lapis sighs. “It... was a dick move, and not in the funny way. I won’t do it again.”

“Bet you think you’re way smarter than me just because you can use all them fancy words,” Jasper grumbles.

“No,” Lapis replies hastily. “Of course not. Who gives a fuck if you can spell?”

“My teachers,” Jasper mutters. “Every single fuckin’ one of them. They thought I was a dumbass.”

“That’s bull.”

“Right? I know some kids get all this shit to help, but my school sucked. I didn’t get jack. They didn’t give a fuck about anyone who wasn’t gonna win prizes or get into college.”

“You never went?”

“You fuckin’ kidding?” Jasper laughs, bitterly. “Never got my diploma. I was workin’ when my class was taking the SAT.”

“Yeah?” Lapis ventures, thinking of the SAT practice tests littering her desk, feeling vaguely guilty.

“Mmm. Waste of fuckin’ time,” Jasper snorts. “I’ve been earning for four years, five nearly. They’re gonna be in thousands of dollars of college debt, learnin’ which boots to lick when their mommies and daddies make them a job fresh outta college. The system sucks.”

“The system sucks,” Lapis echoes in a murmur. She feels awkward, though. College is her ticket out of this shithole town, her swim career the only viable route out of the drudgery and into... well. She doesn’t know, yet. Something better, at least. At the end of the day, ‘the system’ is one she willingly participates in. She fiddles with a tiny hole in her comforter, wiggling a finger into the worn-through patch of fabric, as she turns the matter over in her head.

“Anyway,” Jasper sighs. “I don’t wanna talk about this boring crap anymore. What d’you do?”

“I work at a diner,” Lapis replies, then weakens. “After school.”

“Oh.” Jasper sounds amused. “You one of them smart-ass girls then?”

“Not so smart,” Lapis protests. It’s only half a lie - in reality, she’s in the top five per-cent of her grade. She doesn’t give a fuck about her subjects, but she needs a good GPA to bolster her athletics credentials and stand a chance at a scholarship. Sure, she might spend her lessons sighing, doodling, and sassing her teachers; but she listens more than she lets on, and frequently works late into the night after practice to make sure she’s on top of her work.

Her method works, maintaining both her grades and her disaffected image. It puzzles her teachers and irritates the fuck out of her classmates, so she keeps right on doing it. Something tells her Jasper would be neither interested nor impressed, however, so she skates over the details. “I’m in for sports, mostly.”

“Yeah? What’d you do?”

“I swim,” Lapis smiles. “And I’m fucking good.”

She feels a little glow of pride as Jasper crows a laugh. “Oh, there it is! There’s a bit of swank, hey?”

“If I didn’t know I was good, I’d be stupid,” she smirks down the line, conversation back on steady ground. “If I hustled like this and wasn’t great, there’d be something seriously fucking wrong.”

“Good,” Jasper answers, sounding pleased. “I like that. I’m into sports too. MMA.”

“Ah,” Lapis says, allowing a teasing lilt to creep into her tone. “Username didn’t lie, then.”

“Huh?”

“Buff as fuck.”

Jasper chuckles. “You’re damn right. Good memory. Makes you the little mermaid, then.”

“Yup,” Lapis smiles. “Not a fan of the story, though. Never going to catch me giving up shit for some guy, prince or not.”

“Oh,” Jasper says, a thoughtful noise which sounds strange in the deep rich rumble of her voice. “You’re gay, too?”

“I...” She blinks up at the ceiling, feeling blindsided: not by the question itself, more the fact that nobody has ever asked her before.  
  
  


It shouldn’t be that much of a surprise - Lapis isn’t exactly known for inviting people to comment on her personal life. She pointedly swerves all the insipid who-likes-who gossip at school, and her snarky demeanour certainly doesn’t give anyone compelling reason to crush on her. If anyone had dared try any of that kiddie shit - Valentines in her locker, candy hearts, shyly passed notes inviting her to hang after school - she’d have laughed in their face.

But come to think of it, she’s never once thought about a boy; vaguely grossed out at the thought of their lips, their scraggly teenage beards and the reek of their body spray. And after years of swim meets, you’d need to be blind to have not cultivated a certain appreciation for the other girls - not poolside, that’s disgusting. They’re there to compete - she’d puke if she thought people were eyeing her up in her swimsuit and goggles.

But girls laughing in the locker room as they braided their wet hair, girls gossiping around the vending machines, girls snapping photos with bright smiles and linked arms and glossed lips and tight shirts... Yeah. She might’ve thought about girls, once or twice.

And when she’d been forced on pain of detention to attend pep rallies with the rest of the school, hadn’t she struggled to stay focused on her book? Hadn’t her face burned as her gaze was dragged, magnetized, from the page: up, up, up over the heads crowding the bleachers, to the cheer squad? Hadn’t she had to force herself not to stare too much, at the long muscled legs and bouncing ponytails and the strips of of midriff bared by the uniform as they danced, stomped, tumbled...?

_Shit._ Sure sounds gay, now she thinks about it.

The realization isn’t an unpleasant one, but she’s never had to formulate an answer to the question now so bluntly put to her by Jasper. She’s conscious that she’s taking far too long to respond, suddenly feeling much younger, wrong-footed and uncertain.

_Grow the fuck up. She’s twenty-two. She doesn’t want to hear your high school ‘who am I?’ bullshit._

“Guess so.” She does her best to sound mature and nonchalant. It seems to work, and Jasper chuckles, a low hum that crackles down the line.

“Neat. Us dykes gotta stick together, right?”

"Us dykes". The camaraderie feels unexpectedly good. Lapis smiles into the empty room.

“Yeah. Yeah, we do.”

“Sucks to be out in high school.”

“I’m not,” Lapis admits. “I don’t really... talk to people much.”

“You that weird loner kid?”

“Probably.” Lapis shrugs, though she knows Jasper can’t see it. “They’re all idiots. I go to class, I swim, I work. That’s it. I don’t have time to dick around.”

She’s pleased when she hears Jasper bark a laugh. “I feel that. I work, I train, swing home every once in a while to show my face.”

“You got family?” Lapis asks. It’s a delicate question, so she keeps it light and broad.

“Stepdad’s out there somewhere. Same gig as me, on the trucks. He sends money but that’s it, don’t think he knows what the fuck to do with a kid.”

“With you, you mean?”

“Fuck off,” Jasper hurls back, though she laughs around the curse. “I’m twenty-freaking-two - and I grew up fast. But nah, I got a half-sister. Little runt. I gotta go home every so often to make sure she ain’t died.”

A strange shiver goes through Lapis. “So... she’s on her own?”

“What do you care?” Jasper chuckles. “You CPS or some shit?”

“No,” she scrambles. “Just - curious.”

“Well, don’t be,” Jasper grouches. “If I wanted to abandon the kid I’d have fuckin’ left her on a corner back before she got bratty, when she was cute enough to kidnap.” There’s an edge to her voice, and then she sighs. “Since you’re so _curious_ , no. We got cousins in-state, she’s in with the neighbours, she got people lookin’ out for her. And I’m back often enough. Ain’t got room to bed down in the truck so I take my rest days at home if I don’t wanna shell out for some crappy motel room.”

“Makes sense,” Lapis murmurs, pacified, rolling over onto her front. “My sisters annoy the shit out of me too.”

“What’s your sitch, then, detective?”

“Foster kid,” she answers plainly, figuring she owes Jasper the courtesy of being honest in return.

“Damn. How’s that?”

“Could be worse,” Lapis reasons. “Foster mom’s kind of okay. Fusses a lot but I get to do what I want, pretty much.”

“Houseful?”

“Just three. Me and my sisters.” There’d been a rotating cast of other kids when she’d been small, but once her sisters appeared, Flora had dedicated herself to providing the closest approximation to a family unit she could muster. Waste of time, in Lapis’ opinion. She feels no deeper attachment to the twins than she did any of the others: quite the opposite, in fact. Sure, they’d been weirdos in their own right - she’d never have wished watching a movie with Paddy on anyone - but they’d never trashed her shit, or barged into her room, or played up the innocent kid act just to make her look more of a bitch in comparison. The irritation rankles, finding vent in a heavy sigh against the phone, which Jasper evidently hears.

“You sound delighted,” she chuckles.

“They’re assholes and I hate them,” Lapis answers evenly. This seems to strike a chord, and Jasper laughs raucously.

“You’re alright, y’know? Fuckin’ glad you were trolling that stupid site.”

“Never would've had you down for the Koala Princess type,” Lapis fires back, grinning. “You truckers all watch kitschy furry-bait to unwind?”

"Wanna know a secret?"

"Sure."

“I ain’t watched it.”

“Me neither.”

Jasper’s laugh rumbles low as thunder. Lapis decides she likes the sound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DING DING DING we got Fluorite folks. I wanted to give a little more weight to the guardian/ ward relationship and felt that Human!AU Fluorite would be a charming foil to this recalcitrant powder-keg of deeply suppressed insecurity.
> 
> I’m doing my best to show how both Lapis and Jasper begin to overinvest in and rely on this relationship, in the very early 00s kind of way when most folks (certainly stroppy teenagers feeling misunderstood) were less inclined towards Internet privacy, with the explosion of online comms methods still being Very Exciting (who remembers Habbo/ Gaia Online/ Hollow? I do. Oh lord, I do). 
> 
> They’ve both been forced by circumstance to grow up fast. They both feel under intense pressure to perform and succeed. Neither one of them is well equipped with a solid locus of self-identity, having been forced into self-reliance - and in Jasper’s case, reluctant pseudo-parenting - much too early. All of this is slowly creating a perfect storm where both of them are dangerously hype to encounter someone who seems to Get It, and Lapis is far too practiced at trying to seem thumb-twiddingly detached when she experiences any singular unauthorised human emotion for even the most emotionally literate person to pick up on any anxiety or discomfort. And Jasper... is not that person.
> 
> So yeah. Yikes ahoy. I’m keen not to paint Jasper as an out-and-out monster despite what may happen later in the fic to justify the warnings. She’s had her own shit and while of course this doesn’t validate her behavior, her toxicity is nurture (or lack thereof) as well as nature. 
> 
> oh and I 200% lifted Lapis “fuck yeah my cool older friend said I was mature, now I can never express that I might be uncomfortable or out of my depth in case they drop me” straight outta the shame vault, don’t @ me. it’s 2020 my dudes, it’s hardly the worst of our problems.

**Author's Note:**

> OH HEY. so I should be working on 'you said...' but I could not resist the urge to start the Jaspis/ Lapidot fic that was originally the plan before I buried myself in Pearlmethyst. welcome to hell pals.
> 
> this fic will be second fiddle to 'you said...' until I've got my momentum back up, but it's exactly what it says in the tags: online relationship Jaspis, gets about as toxic and dubious as I'm able to infer in good conscience. Each chapter will be tagged appropriately and I strongly strongly recommend proceeding with caution for anyone affected by references to manipulation, gaslighting, online grooming, dubious consent/ consent under duress, abusive relationships, and all that goes alongside. if 'you said...' is bittersweet, this is fucking castor oil and caustic chlorine. 
> 
> for all the Jasperedemption crowd: I swear that Jasper will be written with some depth. While her and Lapis' relationship is unhealthy, many of her actions are beyond reproach, and Lapis is the one who takes the lion's share of the damage, I am committed to writing Jasper's actions and the reasons behind them as credible even if they remain reprehensible. She is a product of her circumstances even if the end result is Bad Bad Not Good.


End file.
